It's been 585 days since Megan passed away.  She was on this earth for 640 days.  She died of  an unknown cause.  This is something that has happened to other families.  http://www.sudc.org  Sudden Unexplained Death in Childhood.  There are still days I cannot wrap my head around the fact that she was here and now gone.  I like to watch videos of her dancing to remind myself of what a happy life she did have.  It really helps when I have flashbacks of finding her that terrible morning.

I am in a better place now than I was in the beginning.  But I also decided early on that I was going to not avoid the grief.  Some actually felt I was taking on too much too soon.  I knew I had to get through it and feel every terrible moment to get to a place where I could live life again.

First step was going to grief counseling.  I did this even before we had Megan's funeral.  I needed to talk to someone who would tell me I wasn't crazy feeling all that I was feeling.  I went to see the counselor at the funeral home as long as I could.  She then helped me find a great grief counselor who actually lost babies herself.  This really helped knowing she wasn't reading out of a book but rather from her own experience too.  I went every week.

I read every grief book I could get my hands on.  I read and read.  It helped reading stories of other parents who made it through this terrible nightmare.  I realized that even though I lost my daughter there were other parents who went through much harder losses.  My daughter died peacefully in her sleep.  She did not suffer.  She only knew a happy life.  She knew she was loved.  I know that in my heart.  I told her all the time how much I loved her and kissed her every chance I got. Her dad and brothers loved her.

Megan has a twin brother Matthew.  I knew I had to get myself to a place where I could mother him.  I didn't want him to have a mom who cried all the time.  I didn't want him to feel that his being here still wasn't enough to make me want to live.  He lost his twin sister.  They loved each other so much.  She used to take care of him.  She would make sure he always had whatever she had.  She kissed him and played with him.  He suffered a loss no one can comprehend.

I knew shortly after losing Megan I wanted to have more children.  I needed to feel life again.  I needed to have more to love.  I started IVF only 4 months after losing Megan thanks to my great IVF dr.  He told me right away that if I was doing it to bring Megan back, he would not do it.  I wasn't trying to replace Megan.  No one will ever replace her.  She will always be my daughter and I will always miss her.

On the 7th month anniversary of Megan's death we were in the IVF clinic transferring 2 perfect embryos.  Less than 8 months later, I got to welcome Jason and Emily into the world.  Having twins again was so wonderful yet it was also painful at times.  People would say "Oh twins.." and then it would start to get to where I would have to explain this was not my first set of twins.

It was hard at first trying to figure out how to bond with Emily.  For some reason it seemed that Jason took to me quicker.  I was really worried at first because he reminded me so much of Megan.  I worried it was my fault and that Emily sensed something.  One night coming home from the hospital while they were in the NICU - I told my husband I needed to go back to the NICU that night and hold Emily.  I wanted to make sure she knew that she was my daughter too.

Once I got her home I sat with her and told her all about Megan. I explained to her that it is hard sometimes because I miss her so much still.  Getting out those feelings really helped me out.  Now she is definitely a Mommy's girl.  She's a crier - I think at times to make sure I remember that she is totally different than Megan.

The first year of learning to live without Megan was so hard.  Each holiday or event without her just was painful.  But this year I am getting so much better.  We went to the pumpkin patch and there were little girls all over the place.  One little girl had really short hair and my first thought was how Emily will have short hair when she is that age because she doesn't have much right now.  Last year, I would have just saw that little girl and felt the pain of not having Megan.

I didn't think I would ever be able to be around little girls again.  We went on a Disney trip after Megan died and I ended up losing it.  I cried so much on that trip.  It was just so painful.  But now in a few months we are headed back there.  I am looking forward to the trip with the kids and having the babies first Disney trip.  I will still miss Megan not being there.  I miss her everytime Matt gets to do something new.  I miss her at every family function - every time I see something that reminds me of her.  I always wonder what she would look like - what she would be like.  What her hair would look like - if she would still love to try to put diapers on baby dolls.  Would she be tough or would she give me alot of drama.

I will always wonder what she would be like if she was still here with me.  But she isn't.  For some reason I will never, never understand - she was only allowed to be with me for 640 days.